better

Under the Skin

Like my story is so important
I need to share it with you
Everyday or that it’s
Really even necessary
Hiding behind the eye pain
What happened in the course
Of two days three days more
One week why am I so tired
Living the life I normally do
Just go to bed as if
There is no way to turn the
Clock back face sticking
This way for how long!!?
Any day now I will return
Or at least the hope says so
Unbelievable how long
It is taking to
Return to myself
In my own skin
Where did I go?
How long ago did
It all change?
Not long now before
Also never to return
Eyes cried shut
Tired from life
Adrenaline
What causes the storm
Will the universe calm it?
How long long long
He had to feel worse
Before he could feel better

Munchausen

Seems no matter my approach
She is broken to my words
She is absent to the world
Not just me

Climb through the cobwebs
With a different approach
Find your way in even if
It means that you arrive
Nowhere

Guard the back door with your life
There might be an inner fire
Under control

Histrionics or just dramatics
When I’m doing worse
She’s doing better
When I’m doing better
She’s doing worse
Like some munchausen spell
Deriving from what is a
Needless suffering or lack of
Sympathy for the abject reality
Of being alive, just a sorry kiddo
Is all you’ll get

Leading up to the
Constant replay betrayed by
Some kind of sorcery that
Keeps me ever returning to
Your oracle of death

I wanted to love you
How could you make me despise you

Real feelings shatter

Watch my body shut down
What’s the difference between
Gaslighting and manipulation

When the empath
Let’s you have your way
Will he then be forced to walk away

Let me be the fixer
No space

What’s at the bottom
Or did we already find out
Does it get any worse
Does it go any further
Will you have no limits
Forever stress

What you did to me
Will be hard to forget
What you stole from me
Only added to the weight

The security I had in you
Has been washed away
Perhaps ripped is a better adjective
That’s how it feels
I reestablished that security
In myself with how you left me

You believe you are the
Shiniest rock in the box
Our feelings don’t matter
What I thought would be my
Best choice for the rest of my career
Still hurt me in the end

When will I feel better?

A Better Place

Wassailing through the morning
Silently to myself in a rush of text
Or memories of songs stuck in the head

Red lights glimmering on rocks
I’m barely aware of my legs
I’ve had thirty five years without you
But the last fifteen with you here
I’m unclear what the rest of it will be like

I made an oath to myself
That I should walk our regular path without you
And I’m keeping it today
To feel myself and find my strength
In general, it does not compute as though
Many can relate to this repetition
Going at your pace, standing at corners
Feeling the absence of you there slowly
I wonder if you feel it on the other side
Our spiritual bind is strong
But our physical bond has been broken

I walk where you no longer walk
Where you were once disoriented
Now, so am I without you

I have so many seasons to go
In this way

Breathing the loss of your presence
It’s not much different than the pain
Others feel for themselves I imagine
But when you accept the same rhythm
For so long, so comfortable so soft

So absent

It is almost its own kind of torture
To have loved and then to have lost

Better Ideas

Can we overstream?
Exploit the bandwidth
All too often many of us
Take so many nothings
And turn them into somethings
A confluence of almost
Fate like circumstances
Leading us to be
Captured by the enemy
Believing our only hope
Is left to the art of
Abandoning ourselves
According to fate
And spiral notebooks
What then shall we do
To entertain ourselves
Catch fire to the ends
Of our robes and run
Madly through the hallways
Of some less than favorable
Hotel that was easy to
Book because no one else
Wanted to stay there?
Write poems to one another
Read them and then
Roll them up into
Wands of sage or
Peace pipes and
Smudge one another?
Actually sounds like a
Great weekend if
You haven’t any better ideas

A Better Place Now

Not all of it was bad
Not all of it was good
But I’m glad we closed the door
Not all of it was happy
Not all of it was sad
But I’m glad it’s finally over
Packed the rest of the space up
Turned over the keys and said
Time to go our own ways now
Nothing else we can say now
Hug it out and move on to
A better place now

Bones

An encounter with a monster
And that’s how your life goes
All life was exhausted
All power is exhausted
Would you like…
Shoot me in the back of the head
Because I’m annoying
Would you like…
End my life because I’m boring
I must deserve to be destroyed
To you
I deserve better
I’m not an expert on what’s best
Great realization better than this
I need it to be well today
Who am I
It’s okay to be
Who we are
In a million ways
With a million stars
In your eyes I find myself
In light of my fate

Make It All Better

What’s wrong with the
Whole world and why
Do I feel like I want to live
In a cave somewhere
Far away from these redundant
Songs being forced into
My ears at the market
While I’m shopping
Somehow having this
Symbiotic experience with
The world just like a clone
Of everyone else as I sift
Through objects that
Don’t matter and won’t
Matter even five years after
From now on… and what is the
Bland stale scent of
Nothingness in the air
The humming of electric cars
It’s taking it too far for us to care
Sounds like we have money
Driving through the parking lot
Where there are so many
That have nothing am I part of
The problem or the solution?
Want to get away from
The pollution of our existence
People are so sweet gentle
And kind walking through life
Why do I feel like I’m losing my mind
Like I’d rather be deaf
Dumb and blind unable
To process everything
That is going on around me
Wait a minute hold the door
There’s someone on the ground
I spoke too soon because
Some buffoon of a jerk
Knocked a gal down in the street
I saw it with my own eyes no joke
Backed up with the car door open
Knocked her off her feet
Provoked? Looks like nothing’s broken
She’s okay but how’s my faith
In humanity today? Or the world?
I think it’s sad when a Pop-Tart is
What we’re left with
To make it all better

Nothing Better

Before we met
We said not to regret
Anything we asked
Anything we did
Discovered in a lovely shroud
There are no monsters
In the headlights of our love
Nothing pending that
We cannot keep
No snowstorms that
Could make us weak
Rolling round in twigs
And branches sticks
Bundled up like notes of love
Ready to be cast away
Like a message in a bottle
To inspire some other lovers
On some distant shore
To find each other
Unwrapping one another
Piece by piece
Like some intimate gift
I’m having distant memories
Before we’ve lived them
Like an awakening of what
We’ve planned on living
In a village or at the end
Of Scheveningen Pier
Exhumed like riches
Buried for centuries upon years
Sung with the wisdom of a song
Near to the dreams of
Canyon wren calls
From the west of rocky cliffs
Among the words lulled
We will hear
There’s nothing better
Than to be with you my dear
There’s nothing better
Than to be with you my dear