Geino Äotsch

Mismatched

Laying on the couch in the cold
Bundled under a blanket
She left the shower water running
Packing bags preparing to go

I’m dreaming of who to call
Who can I talk to
When no one is home
I’m running through
All the numbers in my head
I want to share the last
Feelings that I have left

I remember moving in here
I was safe I finally had a place
Not worried about where I was
Going to be waking up the next day
Not willing to give that away
To just anybody

Remembering the satisfaction
It gave to trust yourself
And what you did for your animals

Wake up to find out
You’re on a cold couch again
Looking down at yourself
With the warm lamp light
Casting a glow around your body
Dreaming of a fresh start again

Ready to give up on the old
Give into the new and
Finding yourself aching
For something

Give up on it all
So you can feel alive again
Numb from trying to do
The right thing and met
With the same results
Every time

Must be me
Ready to die just a little bit
Hungry to be received
In a different way

Snap

Poisoned by your needs to
Control everything take over me
My intentions were pure

Tension
Tension

Leaving no room for my wishes
Painfully charging like a steer
Through me go ahead my matador
Take my life as it would

Tension
Tension

I always thought you were the bull
In the China shop pushing
Your way around leaving your
Sloppy marks above ground
But now I am the torro
A rodeo for you to be free in
However you choose to be

Tension
Tension

The sanctity and safety of
What I might have felt has
Gone away and now I am
Left with myself
Not feeling empty but
Ready for change
If I move to Japan
Start over again
Does it matter anyway
It’s my turn to exist
Maybe a year from now

Relief
Relief

A friendship that convicts
Itself of being unprotected
By the elements of your
Outside forces and influences
So then I am wrong
But from all of this
We will be freed

That feels right

Stork

Do you remember being born
We sat down at the table
I explained this doesn’t have to be
Your real life you can make it up
Recalling our teenage years
What was it that got you here
That made it worth while?

Everyone was writing down their
Answers and I stood up from my chair
I walked into the backyard to notice
Someone had cut away at our
Cherry blossom tree and then
It sunk in how little control
We have over people making
Choices for us even if we set
Boundaries and make it clear
This is our garden
Grandma said that was respect

I went to find my cousin
Who was smoking a cigarette
At the kitchen table
Stripped down with nothing left
I started to do the dishes
Maybe a cup of coffee
Would be nice after all

Looking through family albums
Telling the stories of the most
Important people that had touched
Our lives and the worlds people
Had built for themselves
Having multiple children
I waited for her to come back
I knew she would
She had left her cigarettes here

I decided to have one and
Go outside to find her
The grass was tall and the weeding
Season had begun
I heard her call out-
Just start anywhere and grab a patch!
I set my coffee down and
Began to pull

Tears in my eyes
I remember the folks
I love that brought me here
I don’t know where they are now
But I made a book of photos
To share their memories with
As I began to pull

Billet-doux

Winnowed and widowed
She said “You’re not that good.”
Every song sounds the same

Where was my love letter
Write a sweet note to yourself

She appeared differently
This time two of her selves
I said I don’t believe you
But also people lie anyway
To themselves first
Then to the rest of us

She was
Not impressed
A voice that told me so
An undeniable look

I sat down with her
At a table for lunch
And we shared a meal
And a story about herself
To herself

Voices outside our
Own heads can be
Just as lethal

Please don’t insert yourself
Without my permission
Into my life

Whatever your desires
Thank you for sharing
Honey on toast
Will end soon

Long distance
Makes a better choice
For us wherever
No need just
Winnow me

Detach

I can hear the echoes
Of a life happening
Outside the chambers
Of my ears and arms

I can’t seem to grasp
Hold of the outside
Overwhelming
Coming down
Crashing in and
Disappearing a
Host to show up
For you until you
No longer need me
Anymore this marks
The territory we tread
People can use you
Until they’re done
There is no other
Way to feel but
Detached sadness

I can hear the echoes
Of a life happening
Outside the chambers
Of my ears and arms

Lanterne

I wanted to do everything with you
But in the end I had to do it myself

Let’s stop being disappointed
Leaving me like this in the wind
I wanted to do it myself
But it was hard to
Do it without you

How could I
He really wanted it
It was already completely gone
I wanted to do everything with you

Firestorm
Firestorm

We had a great time trying
Grinding materials
Withered leaves
Repeated garden
Disappointing love life
Sprinkle salt around the edges
Almost consistent
Reason for no reason
Swallows are dancing

After midnight
I wanted to do everything with you
I will accept what we had
Next step
To do everything

With someone else

Hold Me

Did I cross into this place
Here by mistake
I’m being careful
Not to wake you
With every step I take
It’s like paradise
To watch you sleep so sound
I tiptoe lightly on the ground
Like a feather where I’ve found
This remarkable creatures touch
That stings my heart
No one would believe me
If I told them what I saw

This moment is a soft bed
Made of love
And my face is close enough to feel
Your breath breathe
On my cheek
This warmth makes silence
Difficult to keep
I’m so still and yet so weak
Why am I so afraid to speak

So you can see
How deep my love can go
Would you answer me
If I let me feelings show you
Over and over again
Over and over again
I can’t pretend that I
Don’t want to know
What it would feel like
If you would hold me

I don’t want to risk the beauty
That we share
On the level we already have
The chance to be aware
But I also can’t deny
The way I feel
I’m like a bird inside your cage
Calmly waiting here until
Our fingers and our bodies
Can unite
It never has to happen
But I’ll take the risk it might

So you can see
How deep my love can go
Would you answer me
If I let my feelings show you
How deep my love
How deep my love can go
Would you answer me
If I let my feelings show you

Outfit

Finding myself
Wearing some ridiculous
Lampshade to subdue the light
I cannot easily disguise

I wonder
If a love like that exists

I’ve seen that man
You know the one
Crying outside your window

Shouting “Take me back!”
Drenched from the rain

Always wishing one day he’d
Be asking for you until the
Moment that he did

Dreading what could come
With him and would come
If you let him in

Where was the charming
Poetic boy
Full of fire and indifference

Outside dripping with life
A chance taken for feelings
Granted on the inside

A scratch

Both parts succumbing
Never contending
Correspondent to the rare
Combination

A poetic knight
Shining disarming
A gamut for life
Cooked up in a soup
Made of ginger and dreams
One that I have been sipping on

A quiet observation
Coming and going
Looking out the panes of glass
Heart throbbing

Grasping at a future
Full of memories
Written once and for all
In a newspaper that will
Again be delivered
On the morning
Of a second birth

Fresh and ready
For intimacy

Ruminate

If I have the gift
Maybe it’s a prophecy
Learning to fathom
Uncovering all mysteries
Delectable knowledge
In a tavern of faith
Mental strength can move mountains
Not if we vacate love
Here I am nothing
Tomorrow I have everything
I give all I possess
To the needy
My heart is poor and crumbly
Without sharing
A gift handed over my body
Beautiful hardship
Aching that I may see
Exit through the side door
But do not grant me
Your smile without love
For I will gain nothing

Montage

While I was in the midst of
Organizing my life
I realized I no longer had one
It was time to fix that!
Decorating the beautiful prison
That is my sanctuary
Making room for the piano
One less chair
For no one to sit on
Climbing over a table
Of figments
Nothing can stop you
How many times do we
Tell the same story
Live the same breath
How much of it do we say
Out loud so that we can
Believe our own words
Like a hagiography
Tell the tale
Of true living
Love does not delight
In evil