Geino Äotsch

Forlorn

I didn’t know how to
Receive her love at the time
Because it wasn’t the love that I
Wanted

She didn’t know how to love me
Even my mother said
“He’s impossible to comfort.”

It’s too bad she came at a time
When I wasn’t prepared
I didn’t have everything in place
The way I do now

I can see hearts everywhere
In traffic lights and taillights
They’re all blurry because
My dog just died

I’m thinking of his love
Unconditional

That’s how it goes
When you truly love something

I’m doing everything just right
Waiting for the knife

A sacrifice for waking up
And organizing life

I reach up into the sky
And kiss your lion nose

You loved me
All the way

Validation

Someone to celebrate the wins with
Someone to celebrate the sins with ha!

Best I can do is to laugh with you
Give you the benefit of the doubt
That you will pay me back later
Expecting nothing in return

Meandering through belongings
Determining what’s important
Versus what has no value
I stumbled upon my vulnerability

It was unrecognizable
Ultimately because I grafted no surety
Upon its face or scent
As if I’d never seen it before
Everyone knows it’s there
Buy many are unaware of how
It exists

She said:

Dialectic
Inconsistency is destabilizing
Back and forth houses
Can extinguish
Cheerleaders praise
Feeling special or cherished
Feast or famine
What is the reality of this?
And the confusion of that?

Home
Didn’t provide that feeling of safety
It created a fault line {in me}

You know
Love languages are formed
By what you did or didn’t get
Everybody has that

Rely on yourself

To what degree do you feel comfortable
Giving yourself that validation

It’s a steep question
I’m not sure I know what validation
Means now

I’ll get back to you

Eclipse

As the dark became darker
The light became brighter

He will be bound to die griping
If he doesn’t check himself
Or maybe he wants that

I’m reminded of everything I have
Everything I don’t need
The story of an apple and a snake
Who takes the bait
Who’s left to blame

Or maybe everyone is pointing fingers

Stuck in a rut or ready to go
Just be nice, just be nice
It’s kind of endless
Where things can end up
Gravity is funny that way

I’ve got maybe another five decades
To get it right and seven if I’m lucky
It feels good to look forward to something
And solid to project so far away

I don’t mean to sound like a gink
But maybe all that time I wished
To spend with her wasn’t as
Important as I made it out to be
Orchestra of fantasies in my head

I thought I wanted to share it with
Someone anyway
Somewhere anyway

It wasn’t what I thought
A puzzled picture

Fragmented light

Bow

Affording the luxury of our feelings
Putting things in a storage unit

Forgetting time and moving
In out in out up down
I don’t call her
Because she’s too dark

It’s not a strength of personality clash
It’s the light that I’m seeking
Bright at the top of the hill
I can see it in the distance
Coming toward me
But away from you

I have a better chance
At witnessing the second coming

Now marks the time definitively
Without your sound
And the evidence of you
Is all around

Why does it have to be over?
It’s so final

My sad face
Looking a people in cars
Makes you wonder if they know

My body is getting quieter
This marks the beginning of a new era

And although I’ve cleaned up shop
Picked up the pieces
Collected my feathers

It still feels like
The top’s been ripped off

Me attempting to tie
A pretty bow on everything
Even darkness

Numbers

Longer numbers make you hurt more
Higher digits cause more pain

I guess it’s just a left with no choice thing
He said, “Like a river in all of us.”
Feelings or putting up with the day to day

Spider bites and champagne
None for me please

Anyways who’s counting
Seems like cold winter and a couch
Will baptize everything if there’s
Anything left to survive after
All the dealing bubbles to the surface

Every morning a coming of age
Every minute a question of haze
Lights that aren’t bright enough
And some that need to come down

Keep counting the days or
Just forget about them entirely
They’re bound to happen anyways
With or without us

Configuration

Sanding his thumbprints off
He said will you love me like
I’m going to die or love me all the way?

Two weeks walking without you
Is a long time to find yourself
In a way without

Now I’m remembering other things
Like broken people that I want to
Love still, but are gone

Escaping into a room with an old air conditioner
Cut into the wall unfinished
A private moment away from ears
That would make me feel bad for
Having conversations at the benefit of
Recognizing the beauty of others

Years and the swollen face of
Mangled emotions in her eyes
A former partner that thought
She could handle her jealously better
But still ended up feeling conquered
By it

My inability to confidently dissuade
What she inherited from someone
Or somewhere emotionally

I found someone at a gas station
I had forgotten that you loved
She loved you too it was magic
And mesmerizing

I hugged her like I had never
Known her in the presence of
Another I thought too might be
Jealous of my affection

Important reminders
Running away to rooms under construction
To have private back and forth’s
Where nothing diabolical was happening
I just didn’t want to defend myself

The game had also changed
Each visit was for different reasons
And now I was mapping out all the
Incredible things you did
And wondering how you
Made it to so many places

She said strawberry spritz
And I heard Boston but you never told me

We laughed and cried together
I was afraid to get too close but
I still didn’t fight the resistance
To try playfully

Another cry

I suppose if people can’t control
Their feelings around caring for others
Their brother can help them work it out
Non intrusive thoughts about
My well being

And then tearing away at the fun

Laying in bed
Wondering how I was going to sell everything
That’s what my mind says
Even if it didn’t need to go anywhere
Or make any money
The feeling of being freed
From the weight of it
Was like opening portals
To deeper understandings

Vacancy

I thought I wanted to give up
But then I realized the mail
Would have nowhere to go
Climbing overhead into the upstairs
Attic I peeked into a small
Opening and saw a place
That I remembered hanging
Out in with all of my favorite things

Part of me didn’t want to leave
And part of me felt like I was
Just ordinary as if the things
That made me special were
The same as everyone else
And there was no one to tell him
Any different

I remember holding my cat and
Crying like this once before
Sixteen years ago and still
A feeling of being alone
Except this time it was because
I had everything he needed
Or wanted but still felt unseen

Buying gifts for people one barely knows
How silly who’s doing that?
Someone’s husband is going to
Want to wrangle you to the ground
Someone’s girlfriend will feel
Threatened!

I’m sorry I thought this was how
We got to know one another or
To show that we care
Thinking about it
Almost made it worse; like apologizing

There was no way to confirm
That he was extraordinary
Until he was gone and then
People would say
Whatever they say, when you’re gone

It’s just extra lonely without
His true companion
That walked with him
Every morning weeks ago
And he ached from a time before
He knew that light to fill him
Was back ago and with everything
He had he also had nothing
Again once more

“Maybe I’ll stay,” he said
At least to have somewhere
I can retrieve the mail.”

Funding

There’s only ten thousand steps to climb
Simple as that until we reach the
New apartment we are redesigning
You can see through the floor
Currently there is a family that
Is trying to get their son into a
Good school but he keeps failing
A test that he needs to take
Over and over again and it’s not free
They’re encouraging him
But equally defeated and he is
So positive about the outcome
Saying he wants to take time
To know that he has all the
Information that he needs
To pass and to do it correctly
Mom smiles, her hair is purple
She looks up I look down
We make eye contact
How is this safe?
Our friend who owns a gas station
Said we can bring doughnuts
There to sell to make money
He provided us with our first
Two dozen and we only need
Ten thousand more dollars
Oh no I think it’s twenty thousand
Yes we need twenty thousand more
Dollars and so if we run really quickly
We could make it to the closest
Two doughnut bakeries and buy
The rest of them, bring them back here
Work all night and sell them
For double the price!
As the clock ticks on into
The damp darkness people
Will want doughnuts and we can
Charge more than the bakery
It doesn’t reopen again until the morning
Everyone can contribute money
Drive fast hurry before they close
And then maybe we will have enough
For his education but we have to go
NOW!

Dusted

I’m taking my shot back
At myself
At the stars feeling nudged
By the afterlife silently
Pushing pressing whispering go
Like a shout in my head
An electric shock to the brain
I can feel it in my bones
In the wheat beneath my feet
In the grains

Take your body back
And make it better than it was before
Take your mind back
And make it better than it was before
Take your soul back
And make it better than it was before

I remember you
Everything you did
You have to keep living
It’s all yours to have
On a path of loneliness
Or filled with a million friends
It’s all irrelevant
Just take yourself back
It’s all you have
Pulsating

The sun is rising in your heart again
The algorithm is setting in your hippocampus
Can you feel the rest of yourself rising
Taking every risk
A pillar of satisfaction
A fascinating stretch
A universal length

I’m not giving up on
This body {ANGEL}
This mind {DEVIL}
This soul {HUMAN}

A trilogy of stories
My muscles are telling
My fancy footwork is selling
A juggling act of kindness
And respect for humanity
Especially now when so many
People feel themselves
Falling part

Take yourself back
Pull the trigger
Shoot for the inner galaxy
Dusted diamonds

Bonus

Big dogs furry mongrels
Gargantuan if you will
Mountain
All together with two new people
And one other like a mother
Or a grandmother
She always was
Also from Palo Alto
I don’t know that place
But she talked a lot about it
I think they’ll make nice friends
But initially the contact
Made her tremble
Which was unexpected
They should be friends
And when I introduced them properly
They were
She communicated clearly
That she wanted to meet new people
Even though she missed
Her new friends’ hug by an inch

If everyone is checked in
I think I’ll step away
I have some painting to do
Black white brown yellow red
But the highlight was purple
When that color hit the sheet
Of the canvas it was what made it
Come to life

I knew the direction I was painting things
Seemed inconsistent with the
Overall ending but they didn’t have to
Zero up in the same place or
Any certain way

I decided to cut the sheet in half
My prerogative was showing
And my friend that accompanied me
Was also delighted to see
How many different ways
It would all be interpreted

In the next room I saw the
Neighboring business owner
Make amends with opening his shop
A cigarette and five minutes to spare
That was comforting
What wasn’t, meant the three
Friends that had accompanied me here
Would need babysitting
Eternally hosting
To make sure everyone
Was settled into one another

We had six months or so to do it
But I was going to get it done
In the next six minutes

Picking out colors was his specialty
Painting them on things
{including people}
Was the best part
If the whole thing
Had to come down to
Responsibility