Poétique

M’man

Losing my role
as a child
rather than
being seen as a witness

The moment the gift arrived
the rupture was already
in motion

Paranoia
accusation
drugs as threat

Safety mistaken
for danger

Jail
and cruelty

She collapses you into
a fixed, outdated role
one that serves
her nervous system

not reality

Living in
an absent present

You offer intimacy
she cannot metabolize

Shared meaning
versus shared threat

What is shared
what is not

Removing emotional static

He doesn’t call

Guarded texts
zipped lips

Hope for a better mother
he slips
into the sod

Guidé par la lumière
Du croissant

Heart Over Head

The common thread:
Invisible labor + deferred regard

Asymmetric adaptation
Before I gave my heart away
“Is this how I sound?”
We used to dance
Then —
Ask the clarifying questions
Your self interest is revealing itself
What time isn’t it?

I no longer need witnesses to my integrity
“Is this how my words land
When I’m not holding them?”
Many many boulders

Carrying weight is not what broke me
Carrying weight
While being disregarded did.
Period
When the full moon came
Clarity was acceptable
But only when it didn’t cost them
What it cost me
I heard my canary singing
It falls apart a lot with logical inconsistencies
Could his song hold me?
It was acceptable when
I absorbed their messiness,
but unacceptable when they do.

That’s what you’re here to hold
That’s why you made it into the egg
That betrays you with cold intolerant
Phrases like « you’re a freak »
When the cape becomes mandatory
I become invisible

Stop negotiating with shadows
I can be someone alone

I am no longer willing to sacrifice
My well-being to preserve
Your autonomy —
Especially when that sacrifice is invisible
Unacknowledged, and expected —-

My nervous system is not
Commercial property

But they made decisions that affected you
And they did not care how it affected
Your world

Suspension
Suspended
Suspend me

Darkness
Water
Islands

If I don’t protect myself here, no one else will.

Self reckoning

You don’t need to disown
That part of you that expects
Love to meet you

It takes time to trust a system that doesn’t require you to bleed to function…

They didn’t object when
Self-interest flowed one way…
…they objected when it stopped flowing

toward them.

Even when I named my feelings
Directly, they continued to
Prioritize their wants —
And expected me to adapt

Adopt
Adopt me

I am not safe here if I keep waiting to be considered.

Anticipatory self-abandonment.
Chronic vigilance
First light
I am no longer required to disappear to keep others comfortable
Unzipped
The internal contract has changed
Deregulation
is internally regulated

When hurt
Understands systems and process
When hurt
Doesn’t require approval to proceed
When hurt
Doesn’t respond to intimidation

Rejecting your threat response
Is delicious
My ground is open
My stance is strong
My tongue untied
It takes time to trust a system
That doesn’t require you to bleed to function

Mohā

Lift up the nidus and watch
As the murk and the sod
Of a hungering love sinks
With warm wet feet standing
Without consensual witness
A coherent interiority
Drawing floral like patterns
Underneath the skin as
Tattoos might appear
On our insides the stories
That we tell ourselves
Novels in umbras
Shadows of illusory nights
Fabricated love and
Appreciated empathy
I imagined in the shape
Of a friendship I was
Holding up like a tower
Reduced to bricks that
Felt capable somehow
Of building something
Still in the fibers of
Protection and forlorn
Security cleaning house
Like a favorite food
Or crucible magic
Forgotten streams of
Resonating hope and
Mitigated energetic boundaries
Once calms the calm
Beauty rests in a tale
That reads more powerfully
On the other side
Once it’s lived

Bon Vent

Good riddance
You needed someone
Not necessarily me
But I was there to
Hold you up in
Your time of need
Sometimes a gift
Can feel like
A nightmare
I kept thinking
I would show you
When you are here
But who was I kidding
No one was coming
But the birds are here
And the philosopher
Teaches me how to feed
Them all insects
Not just seed
As one burying
Itself makes a nest
Into my thumb
I can feel the pain
Even when I am asleep
And the eyes of the birds
Are content in a state of
Hypnotic bliss as they
Float dreamily by
Almost like a cartoon
Unreal yet undeniable
Color doesn’t have to
Prove its identity
It is what we see
He was really
Too put together
For anyone to
Worry about to see
When he needed it

Weighted

Heavy love
It’s coming for you
Not just sex
A lot of romance too
Heavy love
Dark corners
Painted rooms
Rugs on hardwood floors
Spread out on the
Ground with you
Heavy love
It’s starting
On the way to you
Haven’t met you
But I know the truth
That when I get there
We will find the view
Sitting looking at the sea
With you is the beginning
Heavy love on
It’s way to you
So many weeks
Will turn into days
And when we get there
Reflection
To give you space but
Also hold your heart
If you have no one
To love you
It’s difficult to learn
To love yourself

Interstice

He thinks about
Doing the same things
That housed the happy
Necessary something
Black windows with
Cracks of light
Risking getting cut
Coming through
Swollen face
Months of this
To look forward to
Like a baby finding
His voice his terrace
His hands a meaning
To be here in this
Space that feels
Foreign on earth
Lying in the interstice
An ultimate betrayal
Loss of a best friend
And your eyes
Destroyed in
Their exterior appearance
There it is acceptance
Lost language
Hidden meaning
Broken symbolism
Looking at hisself
For the same case
With damaged assumptions
Of being okay there is
Maybe a little
Maybe more
Tomorrow knows less
Than he thinks

Stories

Am I ready to tell
The end of my story
While I’m still so young
Proprioception
It never feels like
It’s my turn
I wanted everything
My grandparents had
That’s what made me
Feel like I made it
How else would I know
Now that I have
Squired all of those
Things I fulfilled
A purpose
All of them feel as
Achieved boxes
Equally ticked
Anything but
Fugacious
I knew everyone
Was going to die
I just never thought
That I would be left
Completely alone
After it happened
They say when you
Come into this
World you are alone
But it’s not true
What you are
Left with in this
World can leave you
Alone
Even with all the
Love shared
The journey wasn’t
Lonely but perhaps
The end of the path is

She taught me
How to be a gentleman
Where did I go wrong?

Borne

A spider grabbed hold
Of my thumb unexpectedly
As I reached into a bag today
Somewhere in the dark
I was gleaming
With what delicate
Reminders we have
To remember that we are
Truly not alone
Living with wanton
Emotions that somehow
Gift us with possibility
In the midst of lost
Friendships and
Anchors and seeds
That we plant in
People around us that
We love and in some
Way they lose sight of us
Our disappointments
Lingering to be loved
Investing all that we have
To grant and somehow
Left with the aching of
Comet like movements that
Don’t include us when
They leave and here
We stay as we wait
To fill the heart with a
Grace that wishes for
More than just in and out
Visits or almost important
Enough forgettable moments
Left without a trace of
What was thought to
Be a connection
Wavering wishing
Wanting for somewhere
That feels better
Than nothing borne
With a considerable
Forbearance

Inking

Deliquescence we are
Melting into our futures
There are so many more
Moments to be had
Does being vulnerable
Sharing our disappointments
And the horrors
Of our lives
Make us any
Less amazing?
Is there more love
To be had and
Can we be
Arrested for that?
How can we know
If our hands are
Even our own hands
Or are these hand’s
The hands of our
Grandfathers’
Grandfathers

Chevaucher

Losing and gaining a self
At the same time
Holding on and letting go
Simultaneously
One heart captures transformation
The other captures attachment
And then release —
Holding on and losing hold
Once a previous
Something and the empty overlap
Is intentional — it’s the void or silence
What whirls between them
A space where identity
Is still undefined
Shifting or
Being reborn