friend – Poétique

Fugitive

I introduced her to all my friends
She stayed for them but not for me
In the end she was only
Someone to steal my heart
Stolen once before but many times
Ripped from my core there are
Many more moments that this
Could be stolen again and again
For fun because I know the game

All the same in love and war I
Couldn’t turn it off really
Bake you a chocolate cake
Maybe that was my first mistake
Forgetting and remembering
Everyday is a reminder of the
Bandit she would turn out to be
Even if only friendship and
A kiss was exchanged
I hang that picture on the wall

What a lucky time, time to record
In the stones beneath our feet
Not feeling like I’m anything special
But somehow engaging a cigarette
Allowances were made and the
History is archived for us to
Always remember in whatever
Capacity our brains and our
Hearts are empowered

Still a thief is a thief
A heart is a heart
Like a blindfolded burglar
Stolen friends stolen love
The end is devoured
In our inabilities to
Remain

Anodyne

He laid down to hold her
Like mourning a ghost
You could hear the walls howl
And her wife begged him to
Understand that she meant well
But his heart was broken and
Was screaming in his dreams
Or was it just the sound
Of a past that they all
Promised to love one another
But no matter how hard he
Tried to love her it would
Always be on her terms and he
Was keeping his pledge to do so
Making it difficult to feel loved
In return conditionally she had
Reservations and conversations with
Her mother and her lover
Her wife and every other
He always wanted to be
As important as they but never
A replacement just to
Matter as much but
There was nothing
To kill the pain just
Mourning the apparition
As he spooned her on the floor
Of their past a memorial
To friendship and love
And how he had indeed
Honestly lost her

Bells

Maybe money
Is more important to you
Maybe respect
Means nothing for you
Maybe the whole world
Revolves around you
Like the sun

Trust is delicate
With people that have been
Broken into
You made a choice
That was for you
That was for YOU!

I can be here to support that
But not as a friend really
If I have to be a companion
To myself

The choice you made
Erased the trust
That I had for you
When you said you wouldn’t do
What you did finally do

Poor communication
Negative approach
Springing it on me
Even in winter

And so we keep the
Peace, peace, peace
I will show up for
You, you, you
But as a friend
It will feel so contrary
So opposite and empty
For what you looked past
In me feels lost

I love to see a bird walking
Instead of flying across the street
Choices were made

Wanderlust

I sat down to eat
A continental breakfast
That was by the water in
Some hotel I’m not sure where
When I heard her singing
A woman I’ve never met before
Did she work here?
Does everybody here sing?
Birds sing so people should too

She was singing loud in public
It was beautiful and
No one said anything about it
As if it was natural to do so
She continued with songs
I also enjoyed and felt like
Nobody knew so I joined in
Harmonizing occasionally
And then she was gone

But a man took her place
He too began to sing
Beautifully and loud
I thought about the last time
I sang
I couldn’t remember when
I also joined him
Looking around to see
Was anybody watching?
This was normal behavior
Around these parts?
He smiled and got up

I stood up from my table and
Found my friends sister
Laughing holding her sides
On a bench rolling about
I asked where did she go?

She said she wanted to go shopping
But she was running all over the place
I knew her memory had gone
Which made her a little unpredictable
But I loved her so
I was going to find her

I turned to see her coming down
A hallway arm in arm with a friend
Would she remember me?
Her hair looked just as I had been
Styling it for her
Pink and curly
As she was turning to go
Into the main room
She saw me

We made eye contact
Her arms went up
And we embraced
As if our whole bodies fit together
Perfectly in this moment
Two halves of a whole

Everyone applauded loudly
It was a hug that continued on
For so long that some of the cheers
Died down but there was
Still the occasional “Whoo!”
Amidst the silence
A never ending hug
Just hanging there
Suspended in the air
With one another
And uncontrollable tears

Catharsis

Two leftover boys finding love for the other
The unwanted children that survived
We’re like brothers maybe I’m your father
Or maybe you’re mine you could be
I’m unsure but learning still from you

It seemed you loved me the least of all
And know you get all of my love and
Maybe that’s all you needed

White walls blue sky earth turning
Climbing eternally when do we stop
When do we summit, where is my peak?

I meet you here in the grass
On the mountain of my heart
And hold the difference between
Cold and hot know the difference of
Yes and no black and white
Who is right? Does it matter?

I can be a better version of my father
I can be a better version of my mother
I have many failed attempts and yet
I never give up trying even though
I have so much when is it enough?

I feel the need to face the pillow
Sleep forever comfort my willingness
To congregate towards the light
In a tunnel of sorts at the back of
My mind and outwardly overhead

Floating above with my cat friend
What entities are we anyway?
What allergies are we to one another?

Is it confrontational to hear our
Own words back to us?
Are we offending ourselves upon
Reflection for those words
To ourselves boomeranging back to
The root of who we are
Feeling nothing facting everything

Make up a new moment
How much would it cost to
Face ourselves with grace and
Forgive the parts of our hearts
That weren’t ticking right at the time

Compassionate beings who are we
Clinging to our stickiest souls
A beautiful twisting cosmos
Of whiskers and willingness

Weeks

It’s not my intent
To leave you
Hopelessly cornered
But to remind you
Of the friend
You haven’t been
The world around us
Is constantly changing
But we can stay the same
There are many more
Years to come
I am not the one
To be left in the dust
I am not the one
To live on broken trust
You are not the one
To go above and beyond
You have not been singing
Our usual song
One thing matters
When another thing doesn’t
People come and go
Life begins to make sense
We learn how to
Go the distance
After we’ve grown
Older than our legs
Know how to take us
Many trials will
Try to break us
What we have no control
Of is the least worrisome
Of all if we
Are here in ways
For one another that we
We know somehow
To be but if we cannot
Then we have chosen
A different route
We only have
Four thousand weeks

Anima

Longing to be
More interesting than we are
My best friend heart
Has always been with you
Normal and natural
I even cleaned your room
A vocabulary is growing
Expectations have been slowing
Looking at the whole
None of us have it exactly
So feel the feelings
Burst through the ceilings
Make the journey ‘round
A globe of experiences
Paths less tread
Circle back before we’re dead
Longing to be
More interesting than we are
My best friend heart
Will always be with you

Dial Tone

People that form bonds
And then keep them going
Over time with strength and love
Don’t do it over the course of
A three times a year meetup
To compare us to that
Kind of a connection
Leaves me embittered
And hopeless for a true
Lifeline in the friendship
I thought we were promised
I thought we were agreed
I thought we were aligned with
You can tell me that indeed you
Desire to be as close as you want to
Even the Gods cannot force you
To be close to
Someone that you don’t
Show up for in your actions
Over weeks and months on end
Someone that you reach out to
Only when it’s relevant for you
I reckon that’s a fair weather friend
You’re not a bad person
For being incapable or to pretend
I’m only disappointed in myself
For believing that you could
Show up for me in ways
That you promised not to test
However titling our friendship
With a moniker of best
But the clock ran out
Your calendar got full
Your life is chock full
Of everything that you need
No more hours to give
To others when you have
So much life to live

Not the Same

Conjecture
Why doesn’t it feel like love
Not the same as making way
For someone whom you love
I’m stuck asking for
Too much and speaking of
Not enough love
Not much room left on this turf
Problematics 101
Maybe the job is done
Even for a best friend
It’s not the first time
I have felt this way
It’s not the first time
A friend has had to say
Goodbye
Able to be there
Why would I chase a friend
If they love you
They are there no matter what
You feel secure they recite that
If I ever felt that I was in your way
Taking up space
Rewrite that the dismay
Yes it’s unbelievable how
Someone can simply not know you
Understand you
See your blank space
Avoid you and your heart space
Even when you tell them
Everything
I have been fighting for
Your attention for twenty years
Of my life
I don’t have it in me
Anymore
The teeth of my life are falling out
I can feel myself deteriorating
I can feel my heart
Slowing down
I’ll get a few things
In order let the clock go ‘round
Guarding leftover happiness
Ugly things
That are bothering me
Move them
Out of the way
Before I truly know
How bad everything
Presumably is
Before it all spills out
Before it all falls apart

Grocery Store

I think of this friend
When I got to the grocery store
It’s an outlet market
I’m not sure if she works
There anymore the pandemic
Created a divide
Kind of like a divorce between us
I figured let time just
Run it’s course
Perhaps we’d find another way
Around the mountain
Have a picnic at the
Fountain of our youthful
Friendship beginnings
Always a sucker for
Happy endings but
Still waiting for that
Part of the fairytale
To find its way out of
The forest nothing abhorrent
Just a lot of absence and
Possible rumors through
The grapevine I know
Her style so I’m not surprised
Really don’t care if she is
Telling lies just like to remember
The friend that she was
Which then back to my story
About how we lost touch
Might be a bit boring
But I realized I need to
Be clear that a friendship
Is jointly a union not
One person stewing just
On hold left on red
Running thoughts through
My head, Is it something I said?
Then I was invited to a
Last minute party too soon
To rearrange all the things
I’m so sorry but still let’s keep
Trying meanwhile two years later
A new meaning for see you
Later alligator (I don’t think
That’s what we meant)
More like see you never
Maybe we should just go
Grocery shopping?
And then came an invite to
Shop an open closet event how clever
A personal yard sale to get her a couple
Of bucks not the meeting I hoped
For so what but I’m not
Feeling great about how
All l’d really like is just a cup of tea
And maybe a biscuit
Not some glorified ticket
To a garage sale
Or a party just a little
Personal time to swap smiles
Looks like I’ll be waiting again
For a little more while